"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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