Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
