Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Too much gin, very little bucket
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
