tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
