I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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