Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
