if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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