he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
