And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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