just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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