All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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