thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
