Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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