do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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