just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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