Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
