I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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