At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
