my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
