is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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