His apartment number was 69. I had to.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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