HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
