I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Randomize
