They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
