Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
