its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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