The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
