i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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