do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
