Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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