i can't believe i had my finger in that
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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