Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
