Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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