My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
