ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
