I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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