I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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