you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
