i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Someone shattered a urinal.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
