i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
