I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
