Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
