I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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