A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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