I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
