Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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