She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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