see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
