I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
