so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
