saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
