if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
