She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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