I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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