All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sarcasm needs its own font
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
