apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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