Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
