You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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