I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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