I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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