I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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