Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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