I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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